The Diagnosis

Officially receiving the diagnosis of cancer has been an interesting thing. First, Mindy and I were talking, and you picture hearing that news in an office, with Dr. across the desk, and it being all dramatic. In my case, Dr. Holbrook just told us after my surgery, as I was waking up (I don't have a memory of this). He knew enough from his experience (eyeballing tumors I suppose) that it was Lymphoma for sure.  

I've read several interesting articles about cancer and lymphoma. We've found that it's useful to first determine if we are emotionally up to all of the reading and research. A lot of reading and research without being ready can have a tendency to create anxiety and worry. Mindy hasn't felt ready for much of that thus far (which is of course totally OK). To some degree reading and researching at this point is pointless as we don't know details as to the diagnosis.

Above all of the physical and emotional pieces of this experience, the spiritual experiences we have had are preeminent in our minds and hearts.

We have of course been on the giving end of prayers and fasting for those in particular need. We have regularly felt the Spirit as we have done this. Never before, though, have we been such a direct beneficiary of so many prayers and so much fasting. At times it has felt embarrassing to be such a central focus of attention in general. Overall though, we have felt an amazing amount of spiritual power and strength from these prayers and this fasting. It’s hard to describe what it feels like. Again, I believe this has been a central reason why this has felt like a spiritual, sanctified, sacred time – because of your prayers and fasting.

Probably of most value to me has been Elder Maxwell's April 1997 talk. I remember that when I first watched the talk (I'm guessing at our studio apartment in Provo around the time it was given), it was impactful to me. You'll recall that it is the talk where he was bald from his chemotherapy treatments as he was dealing with Leukemia (Leukemia and Lymphoma are the two major types of blood cancer). It touched me that he had the strength, commitment, and humility to address the members of the church in those circumstances. And over the years I have always remembered that address...not necessarily the words, but the Spirit I felt from it, and what it meant to me. So, last week Mindy left the hospital for a while to take care of herself and spend a bit of time with the kids. I accessed that talk on my laptop, and it had such a HUGE impact on me as I watched and listened in my hospital bed. As he expressed his feelings, his awe for the atonement, his perspective of mortality and our "fiery furnaces," and his love for his Heavenly Father, his Savior, and for the Holy Ghost, I felt the Holy Ghost so strongly, and I wept. I have watched it several times since then, and it continues to be powerful to me. He expresses what I feel.

Over the last year or so I have learned more about the Atonement particularly by watching/studying addresses by Elder Bednar, and Brother Wilcox. This learning has been so exciting to me, and I have used many, many different settings to share what I have learned about the enabling and strengthening power of the Atonement (a 5th Sunday in our ward, Priests Quorum lessons, a short talk at Girl’s Camp, FHE's, even presentations for work). Well, as Elder Bednar talks about our reliance on strength through the atonement beyond our own natural capacities, this is exactly what I have needed throughout this experience. When we did our 5th Sunday meeting, I invited some brethren to sing this song, and I must have sung that song in my head hundreds of times while in the hospital. At times it was ALL I could do to get by. And I believe this has been a significant reason why I have felt the spirit so strongly throughout this experience. I testify that the Lord teaches us individually line upon line, precept on precept, and in His time. I am so grateful for my deeper understanding of the Atonement, but even more grateful for the opportunity to use the Atonement, and feel strength because of it in my times of need.

So, as I stack up these two things (the difficult nights, painful times, medication side effects, cancer diagnosis, etc. VS. the spiritual blessings and power I/we feel, the calm and peace from relying on the Lord, the knowledge and deeper learning of, perceiving and experiencing and using the atonement, etc.), I have no doubt that the spiritual blessings, etc. outweigh the difficulties. So, when people refer to what we are going through as a “trial,” it just seems like such a weak, unfitting word. To me this has been an experience, and not a trial. I feel very different spiritually, and feel infinitely closer to my Heavenly Father. I would not trade this feeling for anything. I do not know how long it will last, but I hope it lasts for a long, long time.

Elder Maxwell said, “When we take Jesus’ yoke upon us, this admits us eventually to what Paul called the ‘fellowship of [Christ’s] sufferings’ (Philip. 3:10). Whether illness or aloneness, injustice or rejection, etc., our comparatively small-scale sufferings, if we are meek, will sink into the very marrow of the soul.” This is what I have felt.

And it touches me deeply to be in the “fellowship” of those suffering, and also those fighting cancer. Each and every individual has a unique story to tell, and a unique set of feelings and emotions connected to their diagnosis and treatment. I have read a few stories and am touched by the strength people have.  But we are all part of this fellowship.

It was good to take some time to write this...if you wanted a brief update, I apologize. :) I felt a desire to get some of this "on paper." I love each of you so much, and so appreciate your prayers and pleadings in my behalf.