We had an awesome family vacation this past long weekend - and then heading into this week I knew and realized that it was a "cancer week." Our friend Connie also deals with Follicular Lymphoma. We recall that the day of my very first (R-CHOP) chemotherapy treatment (December 14, 2012) while we were at Valley Hospital starting the treatment, she and her husband happened to walk by our room (I think she had just finished with a maintenance chemo treatment). They noticed us or we caught their attention and we spoke some. I have said before that for me, talking directly with others that have been through something similar to what I am going through is and has been so valuable. Connie mentioned how weird it is to be and feel healthy, and then to deal with maintenance chemo treatments, etc. The way she approached it cognitively/emotionally was by simply saying to herself, acknowledging and accepting that, "I have cancer today" on maintenance treatment days. I have largely approached these times with that perspective and it has been helpful (thank you, Connie), but it continues to be challenging for me mentally/emotionally.
The last couple/few days I have been dealing with more depression. President Gordon B. Hinckley, in his biography on page 382 expressed, "I have a sense of sadness and depression the last few days...I have put on a veneer of smiles, but feel under a deep cloud of depression." When I experience depression, one of the best descriptive words I can identify is a, "cloud." It sets in, most of the time with no context or reason (though perhaps there is some context this week). I "feel" it much more so than I think it. It is not severe, and it doesn't last for more than a couple days usually. It does not typically impair my abilities to function (family, church, work, social, etc.). But it is significant, and is and has been part of my experience (we are still trying to figure out cause or at least contributing factors). I try to approach it the same way I do other adversity - this must be part of what my loving Heavenly Father wants me to experience, and by asking for and relying on strength from my Redeemer, through His Atonement, I feel Comfort and hope.
My one-year post-treatment (even though I'm still doing maintenance treatment) PET scan was Wednesday. We met with Dr. Danko this morning to go over the results. He indicates it is CLEAN - NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE. We are so grateful! Again, Dr. Danko said getting a year (today he added, "a year or two") out with no evidence of disease is very promising. The maintenance chemo treatment went well today. I slept through most of it. I've said it many times before...having Mindy at my side during these appointments and treatments is such a boon to me. I feel so grateful for that.
As I've also indicated, I do blood work before all of my visits with Dr. Danko, and today he noticed a significant drop in my red blood cell count (apparently my level isn't dramatically out of range, but the decrease was dramatic enough for him to be somewhat concerned). I will be doing a few more tests in that regard and will follow up with him in a couple of weeks. I have felt generally fine physically - so this symptom seems strange to me. We'll see.
Finally, some incredibly inspirational things I have found and used recently:
1.) On Twitter I came across a link to this post. It tells of an inspirational experience this lady had, but at the end she wrote, "Cancer did not bury me, it planted me." I feel this way also, and I am grateful.
2.) During this most recent General Conference, I was so touched by a choir's rendition of "Secret Prayer." The last verse powerfully expresses, “When thorns are strewn along my path, and foes my feet ensnare. My Savior to my aid will come, if sought in secret prayer.” Interesting to me that it is the Savior that comes to aid, though our prayers are addressed to Heavenly Father. Implied, to me, is that the Savior comes because the aid received is the enabling and comforting power of the Savior's atonement.
3.) I recently came across this thought by Brad Wilcox: "...think about Savior and Redeemer. ...I grew up thinking that those were synonyms. That Savior meant Redeemer and Redeemer meant Savior, and I just didn’t quite grasp the difference. But as I started learning more about redemption, which is more than just buying back or renewing us to where we were before, kind of getting back to the starting line, but there’s actually a dictionary definition that says 'to make better.' It’s one of many definitions of redemption, but it is what actually gives meaning to all the others, because if you start seeing redemption as just getting back to the starting line, that’s a lot of journeying to just get back to where we were. It’s not about getting back to where we were as much as it is about getting back to where were, better. That’s why we can love the Savior for saving us, but not stopping there." I am grateful that Jesus Christ is my Savior, as well as my Redeemer. I believe that the vast majority of the "purpose" or "reason" for this adversity I have been facing, is to make me better. And for that I am so humbled and grateful.
4.) Finally, through my co-worker I came across this address by Robert L. Millet: BYU Education Week 2003, "God and Human Tragedy: How the Lord Transforms Tragedy into Triumph." I highly recommend it to anyone (it is a 1-hour address). Fantastic analogies and doctrine. Very meaningful to me.
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