Kids, and Perspective

This past Monday morning I still was not feeling very good, but towards the afternoon I started to feel better and better.  I was able to go and watch Meggan's first tennis match, and even played some tether ball with Lena and Sara (I killed them! :)  Who knew muscles could get sore from tether ball...)

Mindy and I went on a good walk yesterday, I got into the office and worked some, and we watched Brendan's tennis match also.

It is a bizarre thought that I might be through with the post-chemo cruddiness.  Mindy and I have been talking a lot about the feelings and thoughts that accompany this stage of my healing.  Through all of this we have obviously heard the stories and experiences of a lot of people who have gone through similar circumstances as mine.  It is difficult for us to think and believe that our experience with cancer is coming to an end for good.  We have heard of so many who have been in remission and who have had relapses.  We are trying to balance being excited about the healing, but continuing to submit ourselves to the will of our loving Heavenly Father.  We continue to look forward with faith to being fully healed, but we also continue to have the faith to not be healed, as Elder Bednar taught.

We also continue to also try to be submissive in terms of our schedule and our plans for life.  This has been a huge part of what we have been taught through this experience....that what we plan and what we expect in our lives is not as important as our day-to-day recognizing what Heavenly Father would have us learn and do.  This is an ongoing learning process, which we are grateful for.

Bad Days, Dehydration

Been feeling pretty cruddy this week...the last couple days have been worse. When I'm really not feeling good it's hard to do anything, including drink water like I'm supposed to. This isn't helpful for my body.  Last night I took a shower and as I was getting out, I passed out. I fell to the floor and came within inches of hitting my head on the baseboard heater. I came to, and Mindy helped me to the bed, etc.

I had a follow up appointment this morning, and they indicated that the passing out was probably due to being dehydrated. So I've been here at the CCNW clinic all morning getting a couple of liters of IV fluid. Blood counts are good today, which is positive.

The experience of being here in the Chemo Suite, after I was supposedly done with treatment, was mentally and emotionally difficult.

Looking forward to the cruddy days waning and starting to feel better and stronger.

More Journaling - The Roles of Suffering

More thoughts that have given me strength and comfort recently:

"...this I know;...God is for me."
Psalms 56:9

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"Suffering to develop strength will not exceed our ability to endure to the end.

"When Joseph Smith was in Liberty Jail, he cried to the Lord for comfort, and the Lord gave it to him. He said that 'if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.' (D&C 122:7.)

"Such trials give us the development of spirituality that we probably never would get if we didn’t have the experience where the very jaws of hell gape open their mouth wide after us. Not only must we survive, but we must develop the ability to have a concern for others while we are suffering. It is a key element in our spiritual growth. As we lose our lives in the service of our fellowmen, we find ourselves.

".....Suffering is universal; how we react to suffering is individual. Suffering can take us one of two ways. It can be a strengthening and purifying experience combined with faith, or it can be a destructive force in our lives if we do not have the faith in the Lord’s atoning sacrifice. The purpose of suffering, however, is to build and strengthen us. We learn obedience by the things we suffer. We should be humbled and drawn to the Lord..."
October 1983 General Conference, "Your Sorrow Shall Be Turned to Joy," Robert D. Hales

Chemotherapy - Round 6

I have felt really good the last couple of weeks.  I have been working a fair amount, and we've had visits from my sisters and both of our parents which we thoroughly enjoyed.  Things have been good.  We were wondering if another complication might creep up, but are glad nothing did.

Today's treatment went as expected with no complications.  I got blood drawn (as I do almost every time I go to the clinic) and we saw Dr. Danko's Nurse Practitioner, Teresa.  With how good I've been feeling, there wasn't much to report or talk about, and we got into the Chemotherapy Suite and started it up.  Our nurse, Linda, has worked in oncology for like 35 years and was very good.  

In addition to the R-CHOP regimen, I also received the extra drug Etoposide as I did with Round 3.  It is supposed to take an extra toll on the body.  I am preparing for a couple weeks of not feeling so good.

Mindy and I took a good walk when we got home this evening.  I cannot express enough how good it feels to know that if all things go as expected, this will be my last R-CHOP treatment...my 6th and final treatment.  This gives me great hope.

I go in Monday for my Neulasta shot, and we have a follow up appointment in about 10 days.  I will have a PET/CT scan in about 3 weeks to make sure the treatments are maintaining their effectiveness.

The general plan after the PET/CT scan is that I will receive Rituximab (the "R" in R-CHOP) for maintenance every 6 weeks or so for the next couple years.  This drug alone does not have the harsh effect on the body that R-CHOP has so that will be good.  And I will have PET/CT or CT scans every few months.

While we have great hope to be nearing the end of this season, we also have mixed feelings.  To quote Elder Neal A. Maxwell once again, "There are variations in our trials but no immunities. Thus, the scriptures cite the fiery furnace and fiery trials (see Dan. 3:6-26; 1 Pet. 4:12). Those who emerge successfully from their varied and fiery furnaces have experienced the grace of the Lord...Even so...such emerging individuals do not rush to line up in front of another fiery furnace in order to get an extra turn! However, since the mortal school is of such short duration, our tutoring Lord can be the Schoolmaster of the compressed curriculum."
(April 1997 General Conference, "From Whom All Blessings Flow")

While we look forward to some normalcy as it relates to home and family life, employment, church service, etc., we are also sad and hesitant to see the end of the "curriculum."  This season has been such a sanctifying and sacred time.  We are very grateful for a tender Father in Heaven who knows us individually and does and allows all things for our good and progress.  And we are very grateful to all of you for your prayers to Him on our behalf.

Home....again.

Got home this afternoon. Lena asked if I, "got past" the kidney stone yet. I told her not that I am aware of. Hoping that is uneventful.

Really grateful for the care received at Valley Hospital. They do a great job there.

Back in the Hospital

Back in the hospital.....wasn't doing well yesterday and this morning. Went into CCNW this morning with right side abdominal pain, and they admitted me across the street. Have done lots of tests again...they are saying kidney stone. We are always leery of other/more infections. 

Pain has subsided...we'll see what comes next.

The pain I experienced prior to going into CCNW this morning was about as bad as I've experienced.  As I grow in my knowledge of myself, the more I find I don't know about myself.  I feel like my faith and patience has grown in the past few months - but as I experienced that pain this morning, I became impatient and pessimistic.  

In Elder Bednar's CES Fireside on March 3rd he said, referencing a conversation he had with Elder Neal A. Maxwell, who went through Leukemia, "I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. 'Dave,' he said, 'I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.'”

In my impatience and pessimism, I fear, and I desperately want to avoid, shrinking.

Family, and Chemotherapy - Round 5

We so enjoyed visits from my brother, Robert, and his family last week as well as my big sister and a few of her kids, and my parents.  We had a great time together.  We are so grateful for and energized by our loving families.

We met with Dr. Danko on Monday, and I had my 5th round of chemotherapy this past Tuesday, the 19th.  Things went as planned with nothing out of the ordinary.  

I don't know that I have expressed how grateful I am to have Mindy with me at all of my appointments and treatments.  She is such a strength to me, and a great comfort.  Despite the circumstances, we have both really enjoyed spending more time around one another these past few months.

I have been continuing to receive an IV antibiotic daily at the hospital, and there has not been any complications from the infection I experienced.  Last dose is Saturday.

So, as with the week or so following other treatments, I'll have a rough time for a bit but then have some good days which I look forward to.  While we've learned enough to know we cannot predict or plan what the future holds, it is an incredible mental and morale boost to know that I only have 1 more round of chemotherapy.

And as always, we are so grateful to see, feel, and experience the hand of a loving Heavenly Father in our lives, and we are also so grateful for loving, supportive, and helpful friends and family.