Someone once asked President Brigham Young (as a family we believe in living Prophets and Apostles...Brigham Young was the second President of our church - sustained in 1847, and a Prophet and Apostle) if he thought he would live to see the completion of the building of the Salt Lake Temple. He responded to this question, and his response has been meaningful to me in regards to my thoughts about my life on earth:
"...I do not know, and I do not care...I have never cared but for one thing, and that is, simply to know that I am now right before my Father in Heaven. If I am this moment, this day, doing the things God requires of my hands, and precisely where my Father in Heaven wants me to be, I care no more about tomorrow than though it never would come. I do not know where I shall be tomorrow..." (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 1, p. 132.)
I also recently heard this quote from President Abraham Lincoln:
“...I can die but once; but to live in constant dread of it, is to die over and over again.”
I am so grateful to know of Heavenly Father's plan for me individually, and for our family, and all of His children. The very, very most important thing in my life is to strive and try to be "right before my Father in Heaven."
Brad
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
Sunshine, Rainbows, Dandelions, Mud, Soap and Water
Jordan gave us permission to share this part of one of his recent emails. We are so grateful that he is learning and growing the way he is on his mission in Colorado Springs. We love Jordan. We join him in testifying of the power of Atonement of Jesus Christ.
I'll admit, this week was not all sunshine and dandelions for me, but i got through it. I'll talk a little bit more about the hard times here in a sec...
So this week has been a bit harder because it was hard for me/us to stay diligent all the time. It was hard because sometimes when we didn't have anything to do, we felt like we were being really unproductive. That is why we chose diligence for our topic in district meeting, because that is something we were struggling with. I have been trying to continually change myself to what the Lord wants me to be and be obedient and diligent and all the things that i should be, but it has been tough. Me and Elder Ohman have argued a few times this week cause we both think very differently. It happened a lot more in our last area, but i dont want it to happen at all if possible.
I just have to remember why i am here and what i am doing and keep that perspective and i will be alright. I love this gospel and i love being a missionary. I hope that i can continually be better. I want to increase my personal comittment to my Savior and to the Gospel that i teach to others. I just wanted to include this this week because i feel like sometimes i put off a false image that missionary work is all sunshine and rainbows. It's not. It is hard and disappointing and sometimes instead of sunshine and rainbows you get mud in your face. But i am learning more and more that the atonement is an awesome soap/water combination to get rid of that mud. I hope you all are doing well and that you have an awesome week. I love y'all!
I'll admit, this week was not all sunshine and dandelions for me, but i got through it. I'll talk a little bit more about the hard times here in a sec...
So this week has been a bit harder because it was hard for me/us to stay diligent all the time. It was hard because sometimes when we didn't have anything to do, we felt like we were being really unproductive. That is why we chose diligence for our topic in district meeting, because that is something we were struggling with. I have been trying to continually change myself to what the Lord wants me to be and be obedient and diligent and all the things that i should be, but it has been tough. Me and Elder Ohman have argued a few times this week cause we both think very differently. It happened a lot more in our last area, but i dont want it to happen at all if possible.
I just have to remember why i am here and what i am doing and keep that perspective and i will be alright. I love this gospel and i love being a missionary. I hope that i can continually be better. I want to increase my personal comittment to my Savior and to the Gospel that i teach to others. I just wanted to include this this week because i feel like sometimes i put off a false image that missionary work is all sunshine and rainbows. It's not. It is hard and disappointing and sometimes instead of sunshine and rainbows you get mud in your face. But i am learning more and more that the atonement is an awesome soap/water combination to get rid of that mud. I hope you all are doing well and that you have an awesome week. I love y'all!
Friday, March 6, 2015
PET Scan and Results, Port Coming Out, Etc.
My most recent PET scan was about a week and a half ago – and my scans are continuing to show no evidence of disease, which we’re so grateful for.
I am scheduled to have my port removed next week on Wednesday ("A port is a small disc made of...metal about the size of a quarter that sits just under the skin. A soft thin tube called a catheter connects the port to a large vein. ...chemotherapy medicines are given through a special needle that fits right into the port. You also can have blood drawn through the port"). I'm looking forward to this for a couple of reasons...
First, my understanding is that doctors are hesitant to remove ports unless they have a significant assurance that the patient will not need any further treatment. I think ports can stay in for like 10 years...so by default they would have it in if there is any possible need for further treatment. So, the idea of having it out can be interpreted as meaning I have no need for further treatment now or in the immediate future. We are, of course, glad for this.
Second, there are times when my port is uncomfortable. Most of the time it's fine and I don't even recognize that it's there, but other times I do. Some of those times have been when I have been stretching or exercising. So, I am looking forward to increasing my physical activity and exercise once this port is removed.
I don't know if they will let me, but I am wanting to keep my port once it is removed. :) We've heard of a couple of other people who have done the same. Someone said it was made of titanium and cost $8,000....why wouldn't I want to keep it?! :)
One of the most important things I think we have learned and are learning throughout our cancer journey is this principle: “Faith is to agree unconditionally—and in advance—to whatever conditions God may require in both the near and distant future” (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Christ and the New Covenant: The Messianic Message of the Book of Mormon [1997], 18–19).
So, while we feel gratitude that there is no evidence of disease, we also feel overwhelming gratitude about knowing that our loving Heavenly Father has a plan specifically for us, with or without cancer. And I know that His plan for me is always better than my plan for me, even if I don't understand His plan at first.
I am scheduled to have my port removed next week on Wednesday ("A port is a small disc made of...metal about the size of a quarter that sits just under the skin. A soft thin tube called a catheter connects the port to a large vein. ...chemotherapy medicines are given through a special needle that fits right into the port. You also can have blood drawn through the port"). I'm looking forward to this for a couple of reasons...
First, my understanding is that doctors are hesitant to remove ports unless they have a significant assurance that the patient will not need any further treatment. I think ports can stay in for like 10 years...so by default they would have it in if there is any possible need for further treatment. So, the idea of having it out can be interpreted as meaning I have no need for further treatment now or in the immediate future. We are, of course, glad for this.
Second, there are times when my port is uncomfortable. Most of the time it's fine and I don't even recognize that it's there, but other times I do. Some of those times have been when I have been stretching or exercising. So, I am looking forward to increasing my physical activity and exercise once this port is removed.
I don't know if they will let me, but I am wanting to keep my port once it is removed. :) We've heard of a couple of other people who have done the same. Someone said it was made of titanium and cost $8,000....why wouldn't I want to keep it?! :)
One of the most important things I think we have learned and are learning throughout our cancer journey is this principle: “Faith is to agree unconditionally—and in advance—to whatever conditions God may require in both the near and distant future” (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Christ and the New Covenant: The Messianic Message of the Book of Mormon [1997], 18–19).
So, while we feel gratitude that there is no evidence of disease, we also feel overwhelming gratitude about knowing that our loving Heavenly Father has a plan specifically for us, with or without cancer. And I know that His plan for me is always better than my plan for me, even if I don't understand His plan at first.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
I Know My Father Loves Me! (From Meggan)
I had a sweet experience recently at school. A few weeks ago at our school it was finals week, my first one of my high school career. ;) My Science grade wasn't the best because I did badly on several of the chapter tests we had taken in the semester so I had been pretty stressed out about the final I was taking in that class. The things I had heard from others who had taken that class before with this specific teacher didn't help my confidence at all. :) But, I studied hard the week leading up to it, doing everything I could and taking it very seriously. I also prayed fervently to my Father in Heaven for help in remembering the things that I had learned, and in doing well on the test. I said a prayer the day of the final right before I started it and I felt a feeling of peace that came from Heavenly Father. I took the test and I felt very good about it (this didn't really tell me anything, though, because I had felt good about several tests that I had taken before and then failed...). A couple of days later I found out my grade and it was better than the grade I had received on any of the other regular chapter tests I had taken that semester! I know that my Heavenly Father helped me out so much on that test. I know that He loves me and cares for me because he cared enough to give me strength and remembrance for a test; a small thing in His eyes, I am sure. :) I also know that if you pray with real intent and do everything you can then Heavenly Father will help you. I know He is mindful of each of us and the little things in our lives. I am grateful for this experience and how it has strengthened my testimony of Heavenly Father's love for me. :)
Monday, December 29, 2014
Talking to Elder Reimer
Many of you know that our son, Jordan, is serving a full time mission for our church in the Colorado Springs, Colorado area (currently serving in Castle Rock, Colorado). He left in July 2014 (to learn more about Jordan’s missionary service, click here). During this two years of service for him, it is important for him to stay focused on his work there, so he does not communicate with anyone at home (other than letter and email) except usually on Christmas day and Mother's Day.
We REALLY looked forward to this opportunity to Skype with him. We built it up so much, and were so excited, Mindy and I talked beforehand that there could be an inevitable let down (if the technology didn't work, etc.). Thankfully, there was NO let down! It was absolutely fantastic to see his face, hear his voice, etc.
In the weeks coming up to Christmas we had written down some questions to ask him, which he graciously answered for us. We also invited him to share with us his testimony of his beliefs, and of his spiritual growth. It was amazing to see how much he has grown, and how he is loving and serving others. Mindy had the idea, towards the end, to say a family prayer together. Brendan said our prayer - for me it was a very powerful, surreal feeling to say a family prayer as a whole family again.
We love Jordan, and are so grateful for his service.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Journaling - The Refiner's Fire
Was home for lunch with Mindy today, and caught this Mormon Message. Watching this video was a very powerful experience for both of us.
The images of the hammer, the pounding, the sparks, this woman's tears - all very impactful for Mindy and for me.
"The Lord was not going to allow me to fail."
This woman's perspective that perhaps our adversity is not about us so much as it perhaps is about us becoming people that can then more intimately assist others. Mindy and I both have a deep desire to share with, empathize with, and succor others because of this experience. Like this woman, we find great joy in this.
"...the greater our sorrow is, the greater our capacity is to find joy..."
"I feel a great deal of tenderness toward my Savior, because He really is so sweet. He really does provide what you need."
My Savior is sweet. He has been so sweet to me, and to my family.
The Refiner's Fire
The images of the hammer, the pounding, the sparks, this woman's tears - all very impactful for Mindy and for me.
"The Lord was not going to allow me to fail."
This woman's perspective that perhaps our adversity is not about us so much as it perhaps is about us becoming people that can then more intimately assist others. Mindy and I both have a deep desire to share with, empathize with, and succor others because of this experience. Like this woman, we find great joy in this.
"...the greater our sorrow is, the greater our capacity is to find joy..."
"I feel a great deal of tenderness toward my Savior, because He really is so sweet. He really does provide what you need."
My Savior is sweet. He has been so sweet to me, and to my family.
The Refiner's Fire
Friday, November 14, 2014
PET Scan and Results, Mainteance Chemo Round 7, and End of Treatment
This past Friday, November 7th, I had another PET/CT scan done. We saw Dr. Danko this past Tuesday morning for the results. Once again, no evidence of disease. We never tire of hearing those wonderful results! Scan time is interesting…at times (prior to getting the results) your mind wants to wander and worry about those results – “…maybe NOW is the time it will come back," "...but I’ve been feeling so good…” etc. We are so grateful for another clean scan.
As we consulted with Dr. Danko about how I’ve been feeling and doing, he asked and we mentioned that my hormonal issues (depression, etc.) have continued. I don’t think they’ve gotten significantly worse, but they certainly have not subsided or gotten better. He sat back in his chair, and we consulted together.
One thing (of the many) we appreciate about Dr. Danko is that as an oncologist, he is very concerned about not just saving life, but also about quality of life. In my February 17, 2014 entry I indicated, “Dr. Danko canceled today's treatment and wants to see if when Rituximab clears my system, my hormonal issue goes away. This brought us a bit of anxiety - forgoing treatment, but Dr. Danko explained current research, etc. that indicates there is nothing ‘magic’ about the every other month treatment regimen I have been on. He feels confident that this approach will not jeopardize my short or long-term health.”
At my appointment this past Tuesday he expressed more about the maintenance treatment approach he has taken in my case. He again indicated that there is nothing particularly “research-driven” and set-in-stone about doing a full two years of this maintenance Rituximab. He said that if you asked 10 oncologists, maybe 5 would say to do that treatment, and 5 would not. Dr. Danko expressed that if I was not experiencing these continued hormonal issues, his recommendation would be to see the maintenance treatment out to the end of the two years (that would mean a treatment in January 2015, and a final treatment in March 2015). But given the fact that I AM dealing with these complications, he suggested and invited us to consider ending treatment now (with the understanding that the Rituximab may not be causing the hormonal issues, but with the assumption that it may very well be playing a part).
This past Tuesday I also had another maintenance chemo treatment. It went without any complications. I have expressed it several times, I think about and feel it often, and felt again this week how grateful I am to be able to have Mindy by my side through this journey. I have expressed before how sleepy and tired I get with these maintenance treatments – I can’t express how amazing and comforting it is to be in and out of sleep, and each time I open my eyes, Mindy is sitting at the foot of my chair. She has been by my side every step of the way through this journey, and our love has deepened immensely because of this experience. I’m grateful that this journey happened at a time when our children are old enough to be in school, or to otherwise take care of themselves, which allows Mindy to be there for me. And I am so grateful that she wants to be with me, and I’m so grateful for our eternal marriage.
So, in the last few days we have been thoughtful and prayerful, and we have decided to end treatment. It is crazy to think that exactly 2 years ago today, I was preparing for surgery (surgery was November 16, 2012). It is crazy to think that treatment for cancer is officially over. I will have a final scan in February or March 2015, and of course meet with Dr. Danko shortly after the scan (and will have my port removed somewhere around that time).
Many of you have no doubt noticed that as a family, many of us have worn lime green (the color representing Lymphoma) bracelets that say, “Kickin’ Cancer” throughout this journey. I have not taken mine off except on a couple of occasions in these two years. I have loved sharing this unity with my family – and love that my kids have done this with me. Yesterday morning, I decided to take mine off – and most of us did so together. It was a sweet experience.
As we have felt Heavenly Father guide us to this decision to officially end the treatment phase of this journey, we by no means feel that this inspiration means that there will not be complications in the future. We are fully aware that recurrence is a reality (or other challenges or complications), but we are choosing to move forward with faith, come what may. We know that Heavenly Father is in charge of our lives, and that He has a plan that is just perfect for us as individuals and as a family – a plan that is designed to make us into who He needs us to become if we but allow Him.
Given this reality, and this faith, I am very grateful to be done with treatment. It is over. It is done! I can now focus 100% of my thought, effort, and energy on healing, and becoming as healthy as I can be.
As we consulted with Dr. Danko about how I’ve been feeling and doing, he asked and we mentioned that my hormonal issues (depression, etc.) have continued. I don’t think they’ve gotten significantly worse, but they certainly have not subsided or gotten better. He sat back in his chair, and we consulted together.
One thing (of the many) we appreciate about Dr. Danko is that as an oncologist, he is very concerned about not just saving life, but also about quality of life. In my February 17, 2014 entry I indicated, “Dr. Danko canceled today's treatment and wants to see if when Rituximab clears my system, my hormonal issue goes away. This brought us a bit of anxiety - forgoing treatment, but Dr. Danko explained current research, etc. that indicates there is nothing ‘magic’ about the every other month treatment regimen I have been on. He feels confident that this approach will not jeopardize my short or long-term health.”
At my appointment this past Tuesday he expressed more about the maintenance treatment approach he has taken in my case. He again indicated that there is nothing particularly “research-driven” and set-in-stone about doing a full two years of this maintenance Rituximab. He said that if you asked 10 oncologists, maybe 5 would say to do that treatment, and 5 would not. Dr. Danko expressed that if I was not experiencing these continued hormonal issues, his recommendation would be to see the maintenance treatment out to the end of the two years (that would mean a treatment in January 2015, and a final treatment in March 2015). But given the fact that I AM dealing with these complications, he suggested and invited us to consider ending treatment now (with the understanding that the Rituximab may not be causing the hormonal issues, but with the assumption that it may very well be playing a part).
This past Tuesday I also had another maintenance chemo treatment. It went without any complications. I have expressed it several times, I think about and feel it often, and felt again this week how grateful I am to be able to have Mindy by my side through this journey. I have expressed before how sleepy and tired I get with these maintenance treatments – I can’t express how amazing and comforting it is to be in and out of sleep, and each time I open my eyes, Mindy is sitting at the foot of my chair. She has been by my side every step of the way through this journey, and our love has deepened immensely because of this experience. I’m grateful that this journey happened at a time when our children are old enough to be in school, or to otherwise take care of themselves, which allows Mindy to be there for me. And I am so grateful that she wants to be with me, and I’m so grateful for our eternal marriage.
So, in the last few days we have been thoughtful and prayerful, and we have decided to end treatment. It is crazy to think that exactly 2 years ago today, I was preparing for surgery (surgery was November 16, 2012). It is crazy to think that treatment for cancer is officially over. I will have a final scan in February or March 2015, and of course meet with Dr. Danko shortly after the scan (and will have my port removed somewhere around that time).
Many of you have no doubt noticed that as a family, many of us have worn lime green (the color representing Lymphoma) bracelets that say, “Kickin’ Cancer” throughout this journey. I have not taken mine off except on a couple of occasions in these two years. I have loved sharing this unity with my family – and love that my kids have done this with me. Yesterday morning, I decided to take mine off – and most of us did so together. It was a sweet experience.
As we have felt Heavenly Father guide us to this decision to officially end the treatment phase of this journey, we by no means feel that this inspiration means that there will not be complications in the future. We are fully aware that recurrence is a reality (or other challenges or complications), but we are choosing to move forward with faith, come what may. We know that Heavenly Father is in charge of our lives, and that He has a plan that is just perfect for us as individuals and as a family – a plan that is designed to make us into who He needs us to become if we but allow Him.
Given this reality, and this faith, I am very grateful to be done with treatment. It is over. It is done! I can now focus 100% of my thought, effort, and energy on healing, and becoming as healthy as I can be.
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